The title of this post isn't a typo; it's my attempt to turn around a tired breakup cliché. Although relationships end for any number of reasons, probably equally attributable to both genders, the saying does bring up an interesting point about dating in general. My Jane Goodall-like powers of social observation have led me to believe that men are never really taught the importance of self-examination so they approach much of their life without honestly asking themselves who they are or what they want. As a result, they end up unhappy with the women with whom they associate.
I'll use a bulletin board post I read by a dating man as an example. This man stated that, after practicing his "pick-up" skills for what felt to him like an eternity, he finally got a "10" to not only talk to him but to date him. He went on to lament that, although he was proud that she was always the most beautiful woman in the room, he couldn't handle how much attention other men paid her and her friendliness (not necessarily flirtiness) to them in return. I responded to him that the problem was that he thought he wanted a total hottie (what man doesn't think that?), when what he really wanted was a sense of security in a relationship. I even ventured to say that maybe he was better suited for "7s" because they would still be physically attractive to him but would not, almost by definition, garner the most attention in the room, leaving more of her time and energy for him.
The poster's question taught me a great lesson because it blatantly demonstrated a phenomenon I had observed but not named while dating online. When I first started dating electronically, my profile talked about general concepts of self and romance (music I like, my affinity for long walks on the beach, etc.) and I realized I was finding the same things wrong with all of my dates. One issue I always found was that the guys I agreed to meet would suggest meetings late in the evening and, being a biological morning lark, I was always exhausted and disinterested in my company because of it. In subsequent rounds of postings, I was always sure to mention that I was a morning person explicitly and I would also add comments about how I liked things like watching the sun rise on my morning runs. I learned that lesson pretty quickly but, even with that bit of information clearly posted in my profile, I still found that most guys suggested night meetings and thought it was strange when I suggested alternatives. Between that and other glaring clues that most men barely even read my profile (we'll talk about dating online later – subscribe to my feed to catch it fresh), I developed the notion that was later confirmed by the dating poster – guys not only don't ask themselves what they want in woman, they also don't pay enough attention to the signals women send about what they want.
So I challenge you, CEV reader, to ask yourself what you want in a woman. Just so you know, it's OK if you are just looking for sex for a night. The women for that are out there – you just need to know that you are looking for them! However, if you want anything more companionship oriented than sex with virtual strangers, you are going to have to ask yourself what qualities you want in a companion and adjust your strategy accordingly. Although the term "checklist" is a bit of a taboo, you should certainly at least try to …uh… mentally articulate the qualities you want. Do you want someone with whom you can attend fancy social events who loves a good pair of stems? Do you want a girl with whom you can play Guitar Hero every Saturday night? With only a few rare exceptions, these are two very different women. Are you looking for a life partner or friends with benefits? These are two very different women. A princess or an outdoorswoman? A nurturer or a powerhouse? Someone who gives you challenging conversations or riotous laughs? Again, different chicks. To approach the dating game with any strategy (remember, you're here because you don't want to rely on luck), you need to know what you want. In later posts, I'll talk more about particular ways your self-preparation homework will apply to specific dating situations, but in the mean time, figure out what kind of woman you want. A word of caution – I don't want to make you think that all women can be classified in to polar categories. Try to look at potential women as somewhere on the spectrum and ask yourself how far on the spectrum you are willing to go.
A chick's admission on self-reflection
OK, I know some of you are probably thinking that the idea of self-reflection is something that women take too seriously. If you were thinking that, you'd be right. As your resident chick, I can attest that a lot of women probably have a very extreme version of their self-reflected romance ideas. In fact, a lot of women have very strict checklists that they probably swear by. I am not trying to promote that the men of the world make these rigid checklists about women. I would just suggest that, as men who have sought a chick's eye view, you maybe find a middle ground. There is a point somewhere between waffling aimlessly through your love life and failing to enjoy the experience of dating because of mindless adherence to a list of unattainable standards. I challenge you to find that point.
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