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Thursday, November 11, 2010

Chick’s Nest #2 – Is it hot in here or is it just you?

(Disclaimer: Don't EVER repeat the title of this post in mixed company!! Only under the narrowest circumstances can a guy pull this one off so appreciate the joke and use a few more natural opening lines at the event!)

Toward the end of most months, the Diablo Glass School in Roxbury invites the public to observe artists while sipping wine and enjoying light snacks. Their next event is the Saturday over Thanksgiving weekend so, if you're interested, sign up soon.

Your Resident Chick went to a DSG Wine and Cheese a few months back and noticed that it was a prime location for men to meet women. On those Saturday evenings when you plan a happy hour anyway, at the DSG you get to expand your artistic horizons, drink wine, eat cheese and meat, and be in a group of 60 or fewer people made up of, on average, 70 percent women! I asked the event coordinator and he said that the wine and cheese nights were interesting because, although men are primarily students at the school, the attendees are mostly women every month. He couldn't really explain why. I'm not sure that why really matters.

Like my recommendations up to this point, this event affords you the opportunity to not only stack the numerical odds in your favor, but it also gives you built in conversation topics with the women who surround you. When I went, the group sat in the giant kiln room watching a team putting together some sort of pitcher. Their plan was to make an intricately detailed piece right in front of our eyes. The W&C group instantly bonded when, in a blink of an eye, the piece shattered. Everyone spontaneously broke out in to conversation because everyone was invested in its success, disappointed with its failure, and eager to share the shock of the piece's demise. In other parts of the school (there is a small piece area with a little torch and a flats area for stained glass and fused glass demos) W&C attendees got to touch and comment on the pieces and ask questions of the demo artists. It's really difficult not to connect with fellow attendees in this situation. Essentially, the conversation makes itself.

One last point about these events is that the location is ripe for extended connections. Why? Because it's on a sort of dreary side street off of the T. I'm pretty sure that there is a chop shop across the street. Even if I miscategorized it, I can GUARANTEE that most women will not feel totally safe walking through the neighborhood, particularly at night. Why is this good for you? Female attendees who meet normal, non-threatening men at the event will probably appreciate a guy with whom she/they can walk to the T or grab a ride to the evening's later destination. Play the hero and instantly relate with the women you meet.

Happy booze and molten glass!

He who gives shall receive

Sorry guys!! I've been out of commission for a while. To make up for it, I'm going to give you a few great posts at once!

In the past week, the Women's Philanthropy Institute published a study called "Women Give 2010" where they offered data to suggest that women were more charitable than men. Although I will leave the data analysis to the WPI, their conclusion was hardly a surprise because I've noticed a marked imbalance between men and women at charitable events. To get a sense of the type of women who frequent the city's higher profile charity events, check out Boston.com's party photos by Bill Brett. Although the crowds can often be mixed, inevitably, there is an excess of (usually) single women dressed to the nines and looking hot at these events. If I had to theorize about why that would be, I'd guess that men see charity events as a way for groups to siphon money from them and that women see charity events as a appropriate price to pay for the right type of social interaction.

What is the "right type" of social interaction?

Although both types of events are essentially just cocktail parties, the difference between any night at a bar and a night at a charity event is that, at a charity event, a common element unifies everyone in the room. As I said in my introductory post, the trick to being more successful with women is your ability to relate to them while distinguishing yourself from other men. Charity events give you the opportunity to relate to women and start conversations more easily by providing commonality with women in attendance. You can either be that guy she met at the bar or you can be that guy she met last night who also likes aquariums or dogs or (fill in the blank) other cause du jour.

Picking the right event

If you are among the 30 or so percent of men that the WPI claim are not currently giving, you may wonder about how to pick a charity to support that will yield the best results. Considering that your goal is to create some sort of commonality with the women at the charity events, pick something you ACTUALLY care about!! This goes back to my post on self-assessment – talking naturally about something that actually interests you is a LOT easier than trying to impress a girl using whatever bullshit you think she wants to hear! Do you have a dog that you love? Go to a party to support the adoption of shelter dogs. Do you love the Red Sox? During the season, there are always Red Sox Foundation events around town. More of a tech nerd? How about Museum of Science events?

If you can't manage to find ANY cause that speaks to directly, there are a lot of organizations that take a more general approach to causes and will naturally have a large percentage of women. The first that comes to mind is the Junior League of Boston. This is a women's organization that provides volunteer support to other organizations in the community. They often have social events that include a lot of members where the public can go. Because the membership generally includes a LOT of single women, these events are a great way to meet attractive, successful, together women.

So do a quick self assessment and decide what kind of guy you are and what kind of women you want to find. Look in the Globe, Events.org, Going.com (this link is a GREAT ONE!), Yelp.com or any other event listing source. When all else fails, Google it! Whatever you do, run – don't walk, to make yourself one of the men for every one of the many women who are attending these events and hoping to meet a great guy like you!


 


 


 

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Your secret weapon in the chick quest

Now that I’ve started to post about the places you can find women, I want to talk about what I believe to be your #1 most helpful dating resource – your female friends. Although I have done you the courtesy of posting a woman’s thoughts about dating in the blogosphere, many of your female friends will have great ideas for you about how to meet women to date. Their advice is also more likely to be tailored to your own personality and needs. In fact, I would adamantly recommend that if you are a man looking to meet a woman, you should hang out with your platonic female friends as often as possible. Why?

First, they are women! They go places that women go and, if they take you with them, you will be around women too. If you are tired of going out with your guy friends and finding yourself knee deep in sausage, you need to follow the women. Again, I started this blog because I remembered being in so many places that clearly drew so many women that I thought men should know about them. If you go to these places, you will increase your chances of meeting women.

A helpful note about women – we generally know what types of events are better suited for our own enjoyment. We even have particular events where we want to bond with the girls and not have to deal with guys. Your female friends are not going to drag you to these events (think Sex and the City night with the girls). If you are invited somewhere by a woman, she is likely doing it because she thinks the experience has something to offer you. GO!

Second, women relate better to women. If you are nervous about starting conversations, they can do a lot of the heavy lifting. If you and your guy friends have the social skills to approach women at events, congratulations! You are above the curve. However, if you don’t have guy friends who are great with women and you are with a more mixed group, your women friends don’t need extraordinary social skills to approach other women. One person (the women will be super skilled at it) talks to another about a neutral topic and first person introduces new acquaintance to their social group. Your most savvy female friends will even know to relate what they are talking about to you and the other people in your group. No pressure, no problem! Speaking of a lack of pressure, your chick friends can do the job of a wingman without providing you with any sexual competition (unless your chick friends are lesbians).

Third, the fact that women actually like you gives you immediate credibility with other women. Bonus if you can score an ex-girlfriend “wing woman.” Being with other women with whom you are clearly not attached says to a new woman that this guy isn’t so creepy or socially inept that women can’t stand to be around him. If you are with someone you used to date, it says that even a failed relationship wasn’t so filled with drama that the two can’t be friends. Non-creepy, socially able, and low-drama are all VERY good qualities in men and you can communicate those qualities to new women simply by hanging out with the right people.

Lastly, just as you want to be useful to your women friends, they want to be helpful for you. Finding guy friends cool women is to women what helping women with car repairs and bug-killing is to men. Beyond the need to be helpful, most women also REALLY love to bring people together. I will bet that if you know any nice women (why would you hang out with people who aren’t nice), and you ask nicely, they will make it their personal goal to introduce you to women. She has a project and you have sexual options – it’s a win-win!

A word of caution about the dating advice you get from well-meaning women friends – sometimes women can fall in to the trap of regurgitating bad Cosmo-grade advice to guy friends. If Oprah spews garbage long enough, eventually people will start believing it! If you want some good advice about some of the typical bad advice that women give to men, check out this (verified helpful) blog post by Liz Leia, a dating coach for men. I just want you to be aware of the difference between the questionable advice that women give and women’s innate ability to know where women go!!

So, immediately after reading this post I want you to contact the coolest women you know. Recruit your friends’ girlfriends, your sister’s friends, and even friendly co-workers. If you don’t have any female friends, try to find friends of friends. If you can’t look at your Facebook page and find ANY women within 2 or 3 degrees of separation, you have effectively had a car crash in front of a hospital emergency room – you’ve got a problem on your hands, but at least you’re in the right place! Keep reading my blog (shameless plug!) and, if you really need some ideas, e-mail me!!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

A comic interpretation of my last post

If you didn't believe me when I said that acting like Don Draper (but not too much) would help you get women, check out this clip. Hopefully this will be all the inspiration you need to head to Noir tonight!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

It's a Mad, Mad world

*Drum roll please*

The first CEV chick’s nest!!

A few Sundays ago I went to the Mad Men Premier at Noir in the Charles Hotel and would like to formally recommend their weekly Mad Men parties to my readers. Although Noir is actually a bar, this recommendation clearly skirts my bar=bad policy. This is a better choice than most bars because the Mad Men nights are always on Sundays which generally means less booze, the hour or two before the show was quiet and perfect for flirting, and the ratio of women to men was spectacular.

As people began to pile in to the bar one thing became shockingly clear – women like Mad Men as much as they like retro fashion. My estimated ratio was 5 or 6 women for every man at the bar. Those odds are very heavily in your favor! On the other hand, there were enough men there that your presence would not make the needle skip on the record. As if the ratio wasn’t enough to convince you, the evenings are “costume encouraged” so the women who attended looked incredible. The women were wearing sleek dresses, high heels, and red lipstick reminiscent of the ‘60s so everyone looked more attractive than the people you would find in a random jeans and t-shirt bar.

Talking during the show (from 10-11pm) is strictly forbidden but between 8-10pm the atmosphere is ripe for meeting people. You can talk to women about how they look like a particular character, this week’s story line, or even that you forgot how great candy cigarettes were! Because there is commonality among all of the bar-goers, finding something to say to strike up a conversation is easier. If you are reading this and asking yourself what in hell I’m talking about, catch up with the show on Netflix or Amazon video.

Although women like the fashion, Mad Men’s constant look at work life in the 60’s is, by definition, a study of men. There are very few cheesy jokes and you’ll find little in terms of loud action (although there was a pretty awesome moment in the Independence Day episode from season 3), but this will speak to any man who has ever had a difficult boss, a backstabbing co-worker, personal troubles, or a challenging client. If you heard about it and thought that it wouldn’t speak to you, change your tune – it will!

Another major benefit of Mad Men nights is that you can wear costumes. 60’s costumes are pretty easy for guys – a conservative suit and combing the spikes down with a sharp side part is pretty much all you need to play the part. Although that takes a little extra effort on your part, the payoff will come when you give the women at the bar a reason to talk to you. During the premier, a handful of guys were dressed in their 60’s wear and women were complimenting them all night. I’m pretty sure that the ones who went the extra mile (e.g. the smoking jacket and candy cigarette) could have easily picked up the majority of single women there. I was certainly impressed and I heard rumblings of others who were wowed! The best part is that you can use your costume to inspire a new, more confident you. This brings me to my next point…

What Don Draper Can Teach You About Dating

OK, DO NOT under any circumstances act like Don Draper indiscriminately. The 60’s are over and modern women would probably not hesitate to knee you for much of what he does. However, one thing that Don Draper can teach you is the concept of “faking it until you make it.” As a lowly rural kid turned soldier, he wanted a better life so he willed circumstances changed and turned himself in to a high powered Madison Avenue ad man. He also created his whole career by studying how people work and identifying the patterns. In S1E8, “The Hobo Code,” his hobo house guest teaches Don about the Hobo codes where one will communicate with others about the residents of the house by assessing the general patterns of the family. This was established as the basis for his career and the vehicle that freed him from his lowly life.
Use those two tips, feigning confidence and observing female behavior, to improve your skills with women. As you learn the art of faking confidence, you have to be able to establish the difference between confidence and lying. I plan to do a detailed post in the future about why men should attempt to be as honest as possible to women. As a preview, I’ve encouraged my readers to listen to the Pickup Podcast before but part of the reason why I have been so drawn to their advice is the fact that they advocate for owning what you want and need and promote being honest about it. So observe what Don does to draw women in and ignore what he does once he has roped them in. Your love life will thank you!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Review of Neil Strauss' "The Game"




One of the best books I've read about men and women is The Game by Neil Strauss. Although it almost reads like a modern day, in-civilization version of The Lord of the Flies (William Golding's Lord of the Flies (Bloom's Modern Critical Interpretations)), it actually serves as a first hand (bird's eye if you will) account of the "pickup" or "seduction" community.

My readers should certainly NOT try the stunts in this book at home. Although living in a mansion and dating different women every night sounds fun in theory, keep reading - these guys weren't happy doing it. On the other hand, if you can weed out the extreme behavior in it and take away a moderated approach to gaining confidence and taking a strategic approach to your love life, you may actually take away something good from another's suffering.

Check out a list of reader reviews here.

RW, Resident Chick

It’s not me, it’s you!

The title of this post isn't a typo; it's my attempt to turn around a tired breakup cliché. Although relationships end for any number of reasons, probably equally attributable to both genders, the saying does bring up an interesting point about dating in general. My Jane Goodall-like powers of social observation have led me to believe that men are never really taught the importance of self-examination so they approach much of their life without honestly asking themselves who they are or what they want. As a result, they end up unhappy with the women with whom they associate.

I'll use a bulletin board post I read by a dating man as an example. This man stated that, after practicing his "pick-up" skills for what felt to him like an eternity, he finally got a "10" to not only talk to him but to date him. He went on to lament that, although he was proud that she was always the most beautiful woman in the room, he couldn't handle how much attention other men paid her and her friendliness (not necessarily flirtiness) to them in return. I responded to him that the problem was that he thought he wanted a total hottie (what man doesn't think that?), when what he really wanted was a sense of security in a relationship. I even ventured to say that maybe he was better suited for "7s" because they would still be physically attractive to him but would not, almost by definition, garner the most attention in the room, leaving more of her time and energy for him.

The poster's question taught me a great lesson because it blatantly demonstrated a phenomenon I had observed but not named while dating online. When I first started dating electronically, my profile talked about general concepts of self and romance (music I like, my affinity for long walks on the beach, etc.) and I realized I was finding the same things wrong with all of my dates. One issue I always found was that the guys I agreed to meet would suggest meetings late in the evening and, being a biological morning lark, I was always exhausted and disinterested in my company because of it. In subsequent rounds of postings, I was always sure to mention that I was a morning person explicitly and I would also add comments about how I liked things like watching the sun rise on my morning runs. I learned that lesson pretty quickly but, even with that bit of information clearly posted in my profile, I still found that most guys suggested night meetings and thought it was strange when I suggested alternatives. Between that and other glaring clues that most men barely even read my profile (we'll talk about dating online later – subscribe to my feed to catch it fresh), I developed the notion that was later confirmed by the dating poster – guys not only don't ask themselves what they want in woman, they also don't pay enough attention to the signals women send about what they want.

So I challenge you, CEV reader, to ask yourself what you want in a woman. Just so you know, it's OK if you are just looking for sex for a night. The women for that are out there – you just need to know that you are looking for them! However, if you want anything more companionship oriented than sex with virtual strangers, you are going to have to ask yourself what qualities you want in a companion and adjust your strategy accordingly. Although the term "checklist" is a bit of a taboo, you should certainly at least try to …uh… mentally articulate the qualities you want. Do you want someone with whom you can attend fancy social events who loves a good pair of stems? Do you want a girl with whom you can play Guitar Hero every Saturday night? With only a few rare exceptions, these are two very different women. Are you looking for a life partner or friends with benefits? These are two very different women. A princess or an outdoorswoman? A nurturer or a powerhouse? Someone who gives you challenging conversations or riotous laughs? Again, different chicks. To approach the dating game with any strategy (remember, you're here because you don't want to rely on luck), you need to know what you want. In later posts, I'll talk more about particular ways your self-preparation homework will apply to specific dating situations, but in the mean time, figure out what kind of woman you want. A word of caution – I don't want to make you think that all women can be classified in to polar categories. Try to look at potential women as somewhere on the spectrum and ask yourself how far on the spectrum you are willing to go.

A chick's admission on self-reflection

OK, I know some of you are probably thinking that the idea of self-reflection is something that women take too seriously. If you were thinking that, you'd be right. As your resident chick, I can attest that a lot of women probably have a very extreme version of their self-reflected romance ideas. In fact, a lot of women have very strict checklists that they probably swear by. I am not trying to promote that the men of the world make these rigid checklists about women. I would just suggest that, as men who have sought a chick's eye view, you maybe find a middle ground. There is a point somewhere between waffling aimlessly through your love life and failing to enjoy the experience of dating because of mindless adherence to a list of unattainable standards. I challenge you to find that point.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What the hell is that smell?

As promised in my introductory post, I'd like to give you the CEV about cologne. I hope it was worth hanging in!

So the guy in my introductory post said something along the lines of, "I'm confused about how much cologne to wear. Do I wear 5 sprays? 6 sprays? How do I know how much is enough?" My answer to him had lots of capital letters and exclamation points at the end. If my response was a scene in a movie, it would have been shown in slow motion like the dramatic scenes where someone tries to avert a disaster by jumping in front of a bullet while screaming, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Because this is in fact a blog post and not a movie, I'll simplify it: You, my male reader, should never have more than one well-distributed spray of cologne on at once. This is a maximum amount – if you are wearing more than one you are wearing too much but you can never have too little cologne on.

You may be asking now, if cologne should be used so sparingly, why do cologne companies tell me that women like men who smell good? Well… because the cologne company is trying to sell you cologne and because we do! What cologne companies don't tell you is that not every woman actually likes the smell of their particular cologne, some may be prone to smell related maladies like allergies or headaches, and even if we like the smell, we seldom want too much of a good thing.

By definition, use of cologne is an intrusion in to someone else's "space." Any advance in to someone's personal space should be handled delicately. Although a woman that you like might enjoy the particular cologne you are wearing, it should be a nice surprise you share with her when she chooses to get closer to you, not an intrusion in to her space when she is 10 feet away. Think about it – do you really want her to meet your odor before she meets you?

If you are self conscious about your odor, there are a lot of ways to smell better without overwhelming the people around you. Obviously, a good shower gel and deodorant are essential (no, really, essential – as in not optional). A good shampoo, conditioner, and styling product can also give you a pleasant, and modest, smell.

I have told this story to endless female friends and I can say with total confidence that no woman has ever heard it, looked at me funny, and told me that any guy not wearing enough cologne is a dealbreaker. Not a single one means that, un-smelly, the odds are in your favor!


THDVHHRXDST7

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it would seem that the default location choices for men seeking women are either bars or clubs. I can’t deny that bars and clubs can often be fun but I propose that, of all your options for finding women, bars and clubs are by far the least effective. Why are bars and clubs are such poor sources of social interaction? Too much booze (yes, booze!), noise, and intense competition.

OK, I can see your confused faces through my computer screen. I realize that a lot of booze makes it very easy to sleep with a woman but that doesn’t make a booze-filled bar an ideal meeting place. Let’s just say that the term “beer goggles” wasn’t coined by accident. An alcohol-fueled social interaction works to connect people almost indiscriminately with one another and my goal is to help you find women that won’t frighten you the next morning.

The second problem is noise. Again, if another cheap hook-up is what you seek, than a bar is your best bet. However, if you want to meet a girl who has a fighting chance of interesting you when the music stops, you have to have something in common with her before the music even starts. Don’t worry, that commonality could just be proximity – like watching the same guy at a real estate open house trying not to fart in front of his hot girlfriend (c’mon – you all saw “I Love You, Man,” right? Er, was it weird to use the launch of a bromance to explain how to meet women?). I want you to meet quality women who aren’t completely freaky the next morning and, to get any quality screening; you need to be able to hear what she says when you meet her. Picture waking up next to the girl that you met in a club (and subsequently slept with) one morning, having her turn to you and say, “I’m so glad my gross communicable disease didn’t bother you; usually when I tell guys at the club they totally freak out!” Now remember that the next time you try to meet women in a club!

Last but not least, the odds are stacked against you at bars and clubs because every other guy there is gunning for the same handful of beautiful women. Coming from a school where there were 5 men for every woman, I can guarantee that you do not want to contend with these odds. Even 50/50 is more than you should have to endure. I want you to be places where you are the guy to whom single women flock because so many are there that natural selection must take its course. Really, does it make more sense to fish in the pond with lots of fishermen or the one with lots of fish?

So feel free go to clubs with friends if you love to dance and feel free to watch the game with the guys at a local pub but, if you want to increase your chances of meeting women, go just about anywhere else!

Why are we here? – An existential question

Welcome to A Chick's Eye View – a new blog dedicated to bringing the insight of a woman to the men in Boston's dating world. Before I share my thoughts on men dating, I should probably start with an introduction. If at any point in your blog reading experience you ask yourself, "Who is the chick and why is she telling me about dating?" this post will serve as a reminder.

The idea for this blog came from a few of my interactions with single men. Here are two examples:

  • When reading a forum post at Pickup Podcast (what you will soon find is a source of solid dating advice for men, fully sanctioned by your Resident Chick), I clicked on a post by a curious guy titled something along the lines of "How to apply cologne." His question explained his confusion about the application of cologne and ended with a request for workable cologne guidelines. Based on my own experiences and the numerous conversions I had with girlfriends about the topic (to be discussed in a later post – subscribe to my feed for an alert when I post it!) the answer seemed fairly obvious so I was shocked a guy had even asked the question. With this one bulletin board post, it dawned on me that men don't really have a good source of insight in to the collective thoughts of women.
  • In a number of different social situations (subscribe to the feed for more details in the coming weeks), I have seen some gross inequities in the numbers of men and women at events. Having thought many times in my life, "In an attempt to be social, I think I'll go (insert activity here) tonight," and having had that conversation with my female friends, I have a sense of what women think when they approach dating. I thought that, if I could offer dating men the inside scoop on where Boston's women will be, these events would be more fun for all and we would all have better opportunities to meet people we find exhilarating!

I'm sure your next question is, "What qualifies this Chick as an expert on dating?" Frankly, nothing qualifies me as an expert and don't hold myself out to be one. I happen to have a unique perspective on the dating world so I am offering both my observations formed from my perspective, as well as the informally polled opinions of other single women. Basically, for those times when you, as a dating man, ask yourself what dating women are thinking about a particular topic, come to www.achickseyeview.com and I'll tell you!

My unique perspective on men is based on what I call my experience as "the Jane Goodall of male behavior." I apologize for the primate reference and don't claim that all men are wild animals but, Ms. Goodall is by far the best example of an observer immersed in the social atmosphere of beings that are, at the same time, both very different and surprisingly similar than herself. My Goodall-esque expedition started in my heavily male college. I went to a school that had 5 men for every woman. Seeing how I got a degree that is more popular with men than woman, many of my professional experiences were housed in offices where I was the only woman in a room (department, company, etc) full of men. I noticed that my coworkers talked to each other differently when I was the only woman in the room than they did when they were in a social situation with women. Basically, I have seen you (collectively) in your natural habitat. Also, in my early 30s, I have had a long enough dating history that I've been in the trenches and observed the nuances of the mating game for over a decade post-college (the college dating world won't be discussed in depth here). Basically, I want you to be the beneficiaries of my experience.

I'd like to end with a few notes about what you will or will not get from this blog. First, I plan to answer the when, where, and why of dating but not the how. Again, I'm not a dating expert and I think that the guys at www.pickuppodcast.com (same guys at www.theartofcharm.com) are really excellent dating coaches who do a much better job than I could. However, great national dating coaches don't necessarily provide a detailed account of where and when to use the skills you learn from them based on your locale. I'll throw in some general observations for good measure and, between the internet's wealth of dating coaches and the local hints here at CEV, you'll be meeting great women in no time!

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