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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Review of Neil Strauss' "The Game"




One of the best books I've read about men and women is The Game by Neil Strauss. Although it almost reads like a modern day, in-civilization version of The Lord of the Flies (William Golding's Lord of the Flies (Bloom's Modern Critical Interpretations)), it actually serves as a first hand (bird's eye if you will) account of the "pickup" or "seduction" community.

My readers should certainly NOT try the stunts in this book at home. Although living in a mansion and dating different women every night sounds fun in theory, keep reading - these guys weren't happy doing it. On the other hand, if you can weed out the extreme behavior in it and take away a moderated approach to gaining confidence and taking a strategic approach to your love life, you may actually take away something good from another's suffering.

Check out a list of reader reviews here.

RW, Resident Chick

It’s not me, it’s you!

The title of this post isn't a typo; it's my attempt to turn around a tired breakup cliché. Although relationships end for any number of reasons, probably equally attributable to both genders, the saying does bring up an interesting point about dating in general. My Jane Goodall-like powers of social observation have led me to believe that men are never really taught the importance of self-examination so they approach much of their life without honestly asking themselves who they are or what they want. As a result, they end up unhappy with the women with whom they associate.

I'll use a bulletin board post I read by a dating man as an example. This man stated that, after practicing his "pick-up" skills for what felt to him like an eternity, he finally got a "10" to not only talk to him but to date him. He went on to lament that, although he was proud that she was always the most beautiful woman in the room, he couldn't handle how much attention other men paid her and her friendliness (not necessarily flirtiness) to them in return. I responded to him that the problem was that he thought he wanted a total hottie (what man doesn't think that?), when what he really wanted was a sense of security in a relationship. I even ventured to say that maybe he was better suited for "7s" because they would still be physically attractive to him but would not, almost by definition, garner the most attention in the room, leaving more of her time and energy for him.

The poster's question taught me a great lesson because it blatantly demonstrated a phenomenon I had observed but not named while dating online. When I first started dating electronically, my profile talked about general concepts of self and romance (music I like, my affinity for long walks on the beach, etc.) and I realized I was finding the same things wrong with all of my dates. One issue I always found was that the guys I agreed to meet would suggest meetings late in the evening and, being a biological morning lark, I was always exhausted and disinterested in my company because of it. In subsequent rounds of postings, I was always sure to mention that I was a morning person explicitly and I would also add comments about how I liked things like watching the sun rise on my morning runs. I learned that lesson pretty quickly but, even with that bit of information clearly posted in my profile, I still found that most guys suggested night meetings and thought it was strange when I suggested alternatives. Between that and other glaring clues that most men barely even read my profile (we'll talk about dating online later – subscribe to my feed to catch it fresh), I developed the notion that was later confirmed by the dating poster – guys not only don't ask themselves what they want in woman, they also don't pay enough attention to the signals women send about what they want.

So I challenge you, CEV reader, to ask yourself what you want in a woman. Just so you know, it's OK if you are just looking for sex for a night. The women for that are out there – you just need to know that you are looking for them! However, if you want anything more companionship oriented than sex with virtual strangers, you are going to have to ask yourself what qualities you want in a companion and adjust your strategy accordingly. Although the term "checklist" is a bit of a taboo, you should certainly at least try to …uh… mentally articulate the qualities you want. Do you want someone with whom you can attend fancy social events who loves a good pair of stems? Do you want a girl with whom you can play Guitar Hero every Saturday night? With only a few rare exceptions, these are two very different women. Are you looking for a life partner or friends with benefits? These are two very different women. A princess or an outdoorswoman? A nurturer or a powerhouse? Someone who gives you challenging conversations or riotous laughs? Again, different chicks. To approach the dating game with any strategy (remember, you're here because you don't want to rely on luck), you need to know what you want. In later posts, I'll talk more about particular ways your self-preparation homework will apply to specific dating situations, but in the mean time, figure out what kind of woman you want. A word of caution – I don't want to make you think that all women can be classified in to polar categories. Try to look at potential women as somewhere on the spectrum and ask yourself how far on the spectrum you are willing to go.

A chick's admission on self-reflection

OK, I know some of you are probably thinking that the idea of self-reflection is something that women take too seriously. If you were thinking that, you'd be right. As your resident chick, I can attest that a lot of women probably have a very extreme version of their self-reflected romance ideas. In fact, a lot of women have very strict checklists that they probably swear by. I am not trying to promote that the men of the world make these rigid checklists about women. I would just suggest that, as men who have sought a chick's eye view, you maybe find a middle ground. There is a point somewhere between waffling aimlessly through your love life and failing to enjoy the experience of dating because of mindless adherence to a list of unattainable standards. I challenge you to find that point.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

What the hell is that smell?

As promised in my introductory post, I'd like to give you the CEV about cologne. I hope it was worth hanging in!

So the guy in my introductory post said something along the lines of, "I'm confused about how much cologne to wear. Do I wear 5 sprays? 6 sprays? How do I know how much is enough?" My answer to him had lots of capital letters and exclamation points at the end. If my response was a scene in a movie, it would have been shown in slow motion like the dramatic scenes where someone tries to avert a disaster by jumping in front of a bullet while screaming, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Because this is in fact a blog post and not a movie, I'll simplify it: You, my male reader, should never have more than one well-distributed spray of cologne on at once. This is a maximum amount – if you are wearing more than one you are wearing too much but you can never have too little cologne on.

You may be asking now, if cologne should be used so sparingly, why do cologne companies tell me that women like men who smell good? Well… because the cologne company is trying to sell you cologne and because we do! What cologne companies don't tell you is that not every woman actually likes the smell of their particular cologne, some may be prone to smell related maladies like allergies or headaches, and even if we like the smell, we seldom want too much of a good thing.

By definition, use of cologne is an intrusion in to someone else's "space." Any advance in to someone's personal space should be handled delicately. Although a woman that you like might enjoy the particular cologne you are wearing, it should be a nice surprise you share with her when she chooses to get closer to you, not an intrusion in to her space when she is 10 feet away. Think about it – do you really want her to meet your odor before she meets you?

If you are self conscious about your odor, there are a lot of ways to smell better without overwhelming the people around you. Obviously, a good shower gel and deodorant are essential (no, really, essential – as in not optional). A good shampoo, conditioner, and styling product can also give you a pleasant, and modest, smell.

I have told this story to endless female friends and I can say with total confidence that no woman has ever heard it, looked at me funny, and told me that any guy not wearing enough cologne is a dealbreaker. Not a single one means that, un-smelly, the odds are in your favor!


THDVHHRXDST7

What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it would seem that the default location choices for men seeking women are either bars or clubs. I can’t deny that bars and clubs can often be fun but I propose that, of all your options for finding women, bars and clubs are by far the least effective. Why are bars and clubs are such poor sources of social interaction? Too much booze (yes, booze!), noise, and intense competition.

OK, I can see your confused faces through my computer screen. I realize that a lot of booze makes it very easy to sleep with a woman but that doesn’t make a booze-filled bar an ideal meeting place. Let’s just say that the term “beer goggles” wasn’t coined by accident. An alcohol-fueled social interaction works to connect people almost indiscriminately with one another and my goal is to help you find women that won’t frighten you the next morning.

The second problem is noise. Again, if another cheap hook-up is what you seek, than a bar is your best bet. However, if you want to meet a girl who has a fighting chance of interesting you when the music stops, you have to have something in common with her before the music even starts. Don’t worry, that commonality could just be proximity – like watching the same guy at a real estate open house trying not to fart in front of his hot girlfriend (c’mon – you all saw “I Love You, Man,” right? Er, was it weird to use the launch of a bromance to explain how to meet women?). I want you to meet quality women who aren’t completely freaky the next morning and, to get any quality screening; you need to be able to hear what she says when you meet her. Picture waking up next to the girl that you met in a club (and subsequently slept with) one morning, having her turn to you and say, “I’m so glad my gross communicable disease didn’t bother you; usually when I tell guys at the club they totally freak out!” Now remember that the next time you try to meet women in a club!

Last but not least, the odds are stacked against you at bars and clubs because every other guy there is gunning for the same handful of beautiful women. Coming from a school where there were 5 men for every woman, I can guarantee that you do not want to contend with these odds. Even 50/50 is more than you should have to endure. I want you to be places where you are the guy to whom single women flock because so many are there that natural selection must take its course. Really, does it make more sense to fish in the pond with lots of fishermen or the one with lots of fish?

So feel free go to clubs with friends if you love to dance and feel free to watch the game with the guys at a local pub but, if you want to increase your chances of meeting women, go just about anywhere else!

Why are we here? – An existential question

Welcome to A Chick's Eye View – a new blog dedicated to bringing the insight of a woman to the men in Boston's dating world. Before I share my thoughts on men dating, I should probably start with an introduction. If at any point in your blog reading experience you ask yourself, "Who is the chick and why is she telling me about dating?" this post will serve as a reminder.

The idea for this blog came from a few of my interactions with single men. Here are two examples:

  • When reading a forum post at Pickup Podcast (what you will soon find is a source of solid dating advice for men, fully sanctioned by your Resident Chick), I clicked on a post by a curious guy titled something along the lines of "How to apply cologne." His question explained his confusion about the application of cologne and ended with a request for workable cologne guidelines. Based on my own experiences and the numerous conversions I had with girlfriends about the topic (to be discussed in a later post – subscribe to my feed for an alert when I post it!) the answer seemed fairly obvious so I was shocked a guy had even asked the question. With this one bulletin board post, it dawned on me that men don't really have a good source of insight in to the collective thoughts of women.
  • In a number of different social situations (subscribe to the feed for more details in the coming weeks), I have seen some gross inequities in the numbers of men and women at events. Having thought many times in my life, "In an attempt to be social, I think I'll go (insert activity here) tonight," and having had that conversation with my female friends, I have a sense of what women think when they approach dating. I thought that, if I could offer dating men the inside scoop on where Boston's women will be, these events would be more fun for all and we would all have better opportunities to meet people we find exhilarating!

I'm sure your next question is, "What qualifies this Chick as an expert on dating?" Frankly, nothing qualifies me as an expert and don't hold myself out to be one. I happen to have a unique perspective on the dating world so I am offering both my observations formed from my perspective, as well as the informally polled opinions of other single women. Basically, for those times when you, as a dating man, ask yourself what dating women are thinking about a particular topic, come to www.achickseyeview.com and I'll tell you!

My unique perspective on men is based on what I call my experience as "the Jane Goodall of male behavior." I apologize for the primate reference and don't claim that all men are wild animals but, Ms. Goodall is by far the best example of an observer immersed in the social atmosphere of beings that are, at the same time, both very different and surprisingly similar than herself. My Goodall-esque expedition started in my heavily male college. I went to a school that had 5 men for every woman. Seeing how I got a degree that is more popular with men than woman, many of my professional experiences were housed in offices where I was the only woman in a room (department, company, etc) full of men. I noticed that my coworkers talked to each other differently when I was the only woman in the room than they did when they were in a social situation with women. Basically, I have seen you (collectively) in your natural habitat. Also, in my early 30s, I have had a long enough dating history that I've been in the trenches and observed the nuances of the mating game for over a decade post-college (the college dating world won't be discussed in depth here). Basically, I want you to be the beneficiaries of my experience.

I'd like to end with a few notes about what you will or will not get from this blog. First, I plan to answer the when, where, and why of dating but not the how. Again, I'm not a dating expert and I think that the guys at www.pickuppodcast.com (same guys at www.theartofcharm.com) are really excellent dating coaches who do a much better job than I could. However, great national dating coaches don't necessarily provide a detailed account of where and when to use the skills you learn from them based on your locale. I'll throw in some general observations for good measure and, between the internet's wealth of dating coaches and the local hints here at CEV, you'll be meeting great women in no time!

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